Grantland has decided to run a tournament to decide what the best movie sequel of all time is. I am lazy and impatient and I’m not waiting for their results – I’m going to run the tournament myself and get the answer right. There’s some debate over there about what is and isn’t a sequel and they did the draw (including seeding) but I’m just going to run the match-ups and see where we get to.
Godfather Part II vs Jackass Number Two
Steve-O, you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a brother, you’re not a friend. I don’t want to know you or what you do.
National Lampoon’s European Vacation vs Beverly Hills Cop II
Beverly Hills > Europe. Haha, no. But seriously, BHC2 was a pretty OK movie.
Return of the Jedi vs Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
I couldn’t even stay awake through the first Lord of the Rings. The Ewoks win it!
Rocky IV vs Naked Gun 2 1/2
This is the first difficult call. I’m going to award it to Rocky because James Brown.
Empire Strikes Back vs Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Which one was the Return of King? Who cares… ESB is both my favourite Star Wars film and my favourite beer. Sometimes.
Bad Boys II vs Rocky II
I’m pretty sure I’ve watched Bad Boys II. I’m pretty sure I won’t watch it again. Rocky II all day.
Die Hard With A Vengeance vs The Dark Knight Rises
I don’t think history has given us the perspective required to judge TDKR. Which is my way of saying I haven’t seen it. Die Hard By Default (which I now offer as a possible title for Die Hard V)
Back to the Future II vs Spider-Man 2
Does Spider-Man 2 feature the Cafe 80s, self-lacing boots and Michael J. Fox as 3 members of his own family? Probably not.
The Dark Knight vs National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
History has given us plenty of perspective to judge Christmas Vacation. I still haven’t watched it. Get out.
The Color of Money vs Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
KHAAAAAN! I was severely disappointed by the Color of Money, but at least I have seen it.
Fast Five vs Superman II
I’m awarding this to Superman II on account of I at least know that it is a film. Were there 4 other movies in the Fast series?
Terminator II vs Ocean’s Thirteen
I liked Ocean’s Eleven despite Don Cheadle, but I couldn’t understand why anyone wanted to watch one sequel, let alone a second one.
Aliens vs Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey
How much better would Aliens have been if Ripley had melvinned the queen? I’m giving this one to B&T.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom vs Toy Story 3
Some bits of TS3 are weaker than TS2, but it’s still a much better film than Dr Jones’ thing.
Rocky III vs Mission Impossible II: Ghost Protocol
Anyone who thinks I’m voting out Tom Cruise films on principle: I pity the fool.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade vs Wayne’s World 2
Another example of Mike Myers not realising that a character has outlived his welcome.
OK, so the first round is over. Let’s look at the line-ups for the quarters:
Godfather Part II vs Beverly Hills Cop II
Return of the Jedi vs Rocky IV
Empire Strikes Back vs Rocky II
Die Hard With A Vengeance vs Back to the Future II
The Dark Knight vs Color of Money
Superman II vs Terminator II
Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey vs Toy Story 3
Rocky III vs Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Come back soon for Part II. Ha ha, geddit?!?!